Life These Days

Last week, my best friend, Kim, flew out from Seattle to spend some time with our little family. I can most definitely say that it was much, MUCH needed on my part to have her here. We have, for the most part, been figuring out this whole parenting thing solo, as all of our family lives on the west coast. We have had offers from friends for various things, but most involve just coming over to see the baby so I can nap or shower. Again, both wonderful things, but I'm not quite to the point yet where I'm ready to leave the kiddo in the hands of friends, even if it does mean that I get to snooze for an hour in the same house [plus, I can do that when baby sleeps!].

But having Kim here was different. Her baby is seven and a half months old so the few days here was a nice vacation for her, but she was also an unbelievable help to me both physically and emotionally. When she wasn't washing bottles, buying groceries & making coffee [despite me telling her not to] she was convincing me that I was doing everything right, even when Lucas was so gassy that he didn't stop screaming for two hours, leaving both of us [Lucas & I] in tears. And when I just needed to cry because the baby blues are kicking my ass something fierce, she sat there and listened. There is something about a best friend that brings emotional support that nobody else can provide, not to mention the fact that she had very recently gone through everything that I was going through. I love our friends here, but I can't talk to people the way I can talk to Kim. I think this just naturally comes with 20 years of friendship. And, you know, the whole best friend thing.

The Bestie! Love her so very much!

But more than anything, it was just SO NICE to have her here. Our relationship is so unlike any other. It's weird. And I wish every day that we lived closer together because life is just so much more fun with her around. I'm convinced that we wouldn't need anybody else if we lived close to each other again. [You know, aside from our husbands & children!] So it meant so much to me that she was able to come out and share this time with us. And again, she was such amazing help! I love her dearly & I can't wait for our boys to meet each other in May when Lucas & I fly to Seattle for a week.

Aside from that, this whole parenting things is fucking HARD. They tell you before the kid comes that it's difficult and that it will change your life. But I don't think anything really prepared me for EXACTLY how hard this all is. There are some really amazing times, where I look at this kid and am in total awe of what M & I were able to create. He's so perfect and wonderful, and the love we both have for him is unreal. But holy shit. There are times where I think, I have no fucking clue what I am doing. I second guess everything that I do, wondering if it's the right thing. Am I feeding him enough? Am I bad mom because we're not breast feeding right now and I'm only pumping at this point? [a different post for a different day]. Have I held him enough today or did I put him down and in the pack and play for too long? Is he going to get sick if I leave the house for a little while? Is he too warm? Too cold? Did I let him sleep too long in between feeding sessions just because I wanted an extra 30 minutes of sleep? Questions after questions after questions of trying to figure it all out.

And when the pure exhaustion hits, that's when the baby blues are at their worst. I feel like things are getting a little better on that aspect ... there definitely are not as many tears as there were in the beginning ... but some days I just feel so lost and helpless that I can't help but lose it. It's frustrating to feel like this and it makes me feel HORRIBLE for crying over something that we wanted for so long. The emotions are so random and extensive. But, I'm fighting them and hoping that with time, things get easier.

Plus, this little guy? He really is worth it in the long run. That run is exhausting, but he is worth every second.